I Wanna Do Bad Things With You: True Blood Recap: Season 3, Episode 5

Whitley | July 20, 2010 | No Comments

Just in case you hadn’t noticed by now, all episodes of the show are named after songs. The song and episode title for this week is “Trouble”. (I prefer the Elvis version over the version they had playing in the credits, but that’s just me.)

If you want to check out our other episode recaps from this season, then

Episode 1: Bad Blood is HERE

Episode 2: Beautifully Broken is HERE

Episode 3: It Hurts Me Too is HERE

Episode 4: 9 Crimes is HERE

This episode is my favorite of the season so far. It was SO made of win, in nearly every scene. I laughed, I almost cried, and like always, I have a whole bunch of new questions that need to get answered.

Franklin is making Tara comfy while they wait for the King (read: tying her to a chair) to get back, and Talbot is just a tad bitchy about it. Right as fangs are bared, King Russell, Bill, and Lorena come back, fully satisfied (and messy) from their dinner. On seeing each other, Tara and Bill have very different reaction faces.

While Franklin goes to give the King the dirt he found when snooping in Bill’s house, Tara takes her chance and asks for Bill for help. He refuses and walks away.

Lorena’s face. What a bitch.

In the King’s study, we find out that Franklin has given him the mysterious file that Bill had keeping on Sookie, complete with stalker pictures and a family tree.

King Russell berates Franklin for kidnapping “another girl”, so we find out he has a history of being a complete creeper. When Franklin tries to defend his “relationship” with Tara, it’s kinda sweet (if you forget about the whole kidnapping thing).

“She’s such a fucking disaster! We could be twins. The attraction is e-lectric.”

Up in the hallway to Bill’s room, Lorena is STILL coming on way too strong. Before shutting the door in her face, Bill calls her a “tiresome cow”, which is now my most favorite insult ever.

Sookie and Alcide (who is still sexy as FUCK, in case you were wondering) are safely away from the were bar and the phasing crowd. Alcide is freaking out with anger over what Debbie just did, and Sookie screams at him to slow down.

“I am NOT gonna die because of your shitty girlfriend and a Mississippi pothole!”

Alcide stops the vehicle (it looks like they are in a moving van? Why?) and explains that Debbie wasn’t always so cray cray. When he was reminiscing about their realtionship, it was the first time I actually believed they used to be together. He is just beyond way too good (and sexy) for her.

Sookie then decides that Russell must know where Bill is, and she’s got to talk to him. Alcide refuses, and tells her that Eric would’t approve either.

Speaking of the sexy devil, Eric shows up at the King’s mansion. Talbot is delighted.

“Hell-oh! Have we met?”

Over a candlelit dinner, Eric asks permission to hunt in Mississippi for Bill, who he explains has been selling V back in Louisiana. The King says, “Let’s ask him.” and Bill walks in. Suddenly, Eric is caught in a lie.

The King tells Eric that they already know that Queen Sophie is behind the V, and that Eric was the one responsible for selling it for her. When Eric finds out that Bill is there in Mississippi willingly, Bill has to admit that “Sookie is no longer mine.”

Eric explains that he lied to the Magister to protect his Queen, and that if he doesn’t turn Bill in, then Pam will be killed. The King tells him he will figure it all out, and offers Eric a place to sleep for the day.

Sookie wakes up to hear Debbie and Alcide fighting loudly. She sneaks in to hear Debbie screaming that if Russell knew that Alcide had been in Lou Pine’s and seen the ceremony, he would be killed. When Debbie sees Sookie, all hell breaks lose and a (shirtless!) Alcide has to hold Debbie back. Sookie takes that moment to ask her about Bill, but can tell from her thoughts that Debbie has no clue what’s happening with Russell and Bill.

And just because:

Back at the mansion, Franklin is lovingly tying Tara to a bed, and she’s dressed in a very romantic nightgown. It seems that Tara has finally decided to play along with Franklin’s craziness, and she pretends that she is delighted to be there with him.

Franklin- “Even when I’m away from you, I can feel your flesh molded to me. That’s how close we are now.”

Tara- *trying not to cry* “That’s really sweet…”

When Tara gets a text message from Lafayette (“Bitch, where are you?”), Franklin immediately gets jealous and nearly strangles Tara before she can tell him he’s her cousin, and he’s gay. Franklin tries to figure out a reply:

“How ’bout um, ‘I’m busy bitch’?. No ‘bitch’, he wrote ‘bitch’. Too many ‘bitch’. ‘Hooker’? In his other messages, he calls you ‘hooker’. No, ‘Hookah’.  That’s a water pipe!”

They decide on “Trust me, motherfucker.” as a reply, and Franklin is hilarious when he says, “Hey Tara. Watch how fast I type ‘motherfucker’.”

Jason shows up to the Bon Temp police station, showered and ready for work!

Andy gives him a desk, which he is not too pleased about (“I wanna get out in the field. It’s where I shine!”) and Kenya knows something is up.

Sam helps his family move in to one of the empty houses he rents out, and he senses some major hostility from his younger brother Tommy towards Joe Lee.

Something is defintely up there.

Always the comic relief, Terry Bellefluer pulls up in his truck and gets emotional when he tells Sam he’s moving in with Arelene.

It’s pretty adorable.

Alcide decides he has to tell the “packmaster” (the alpha of the group) about what happened in Lou Pine’s and Sookie tags along.

Back at the station, Kenya is having a fun time messing with Jason.

“File that for me, will ya babe?”

Left to his own devices, Jason plays paperclip limbo and fingerpaints with the fingerprint blotter.

When Andy sees what a mess he’s made, he tells him he has a “special assignment”, just the thing to keep Jason occupied.

Back at the mansion, during the day while all the vamps sleep, Tara has manged to free herself from the ropes and sneaks out of the mansion and out in to the yard where she takes off running.

Suddenly, a wolf howls and begins chasing her. It knocks her over, then it phases back into human (turns out, it’s Cooter), and she’s captured once again.

At Merlotte’s, Tommy and Lafayette are on their break, smoking cigars when Jesus (who you will remember as Lafayette’s mother’s hot as hell nurse at the old folks home) shows up.

Lafayette immediately thinks that something happened to his mother, but Jesus tells him everything is alright there. He’s just there to see Lafayette. He just wanted to come ask him out to a movie. This is the first time all series that we see Lafayette all flustered and nervous! And who wouldn’t be. Jesus is FINE.

When Lafayette explains he has work that day and he doesn’t get off until 11, Jesus says he’ll wait for him.

Alcide has met with the packmaster and explains all about Russell and his involvement with the pack that is addicted to V. He expects some help from his superior, but this guy just says theres’s nothing they can do since Russell is the King and has had were’s working for him for centuries. His plan of action is just to lay low until Russell gets bored. Sookie listens to his thoughts and finds out that the packmaster is really just completely terrified.

Back at the station, it turns out that Jason’s super important special assignment is washing the patrol units. As a extra special treat, he’s shirtless!

While he’s complaining about his task, he notices a girl in a truck driving by. He remembers this girl as the one he saw crying in the woods before he busted the drug dealer, and decides to go after her.

He uses the lights and sirens to pull her over, and realizes, “Now what?” He digs in the glovebox and comes out with these:

In nothing but cop glasses (aviators) and pants, he walks up to her window and asks for her license and registration, and she refuses.

“Are you resisting me?”

He says he’s not a cop quite yet, and she starts her truck to leave, “since your a fake cop!”, but she does tell him her name is Crystal. He asks her to meet him at Merlotte’s later that night, and she yells that she can’t as she drives away.

At Merlotte’s, Jesus is still waiting on Lafayette, Tommy is having a good first night at work, and Arlene is still a prejudiced beotch. She tells Jessica she will never look her in the eye because “I don’t care to be hypnotized, and apparently that is what you walking dead people like to do!”.

Jessica gets her revenge when the next customers come in. Before she seats them, she “glamours” them and says, “Whatever happens, do NOT tip your waitress. Do NOT.”

As she’s seating them, Hoyt walks in, and he’s on a date with another girl!!

I actually gasped out loud. I can’t believe they are doing this to my most favorite couple on the show!

While Jessica is struggling not to get upset, Tommy comes over and tells her that “he’s Little League”, and “You’re the majors”.

I swear to the Lord, if they get Tommy and Jessica together, I’m going to be so P.O’d. She and Hoyt just belong together!

Tommy gets a call from Joe Lee, interrupting his little flirt fest with Jessica. Joe Lee starts screaming for him to come home immediately, and Tommy just hangs up.

Again, something really weird is definitely going on there.

Back at the mansion, Franklin is beside himself about Tara’s escape attempt. He really has no idea why she would try to leave him. “You’re afraid of me?! That’s insane!” He cries. Like, full on sobs.

Tara realties again that this dude is completely unhinged, and in order to survive, she’s going to have to play along. She asks him to forgive her, because she’s not scared of him, but “It’s the other vampires. They’re the ones who scare me.” I love the look on her face when she tells him this.

In his office, the King is finally asking Bill about the file, who is pretending he’s never seen it before. Russell shows him the family tree with certain names circled, and explains that he thinks that Bill is trying to track telepathy in Sookie’s family history, but he doesn’t know exactly why. Bill still doesn’t admit to anything, and Cooter comes in to ask to speak to the King in private.

At Merlotte’s, Jason is waiting in a booth, looking out the window for Crystal when Andy comes in and sits down with him. He tells Jason that he pulled strings and all Jason has to do to become a cop is take a physical and the written exam. This, coupled with the knowledge that Crystal isn’t going to show, Jason is discouraged.

Cut over to pool tables, and Lafayette and Jesus are about to start a game. Lafayette still can’t seem to believe that Jesus actually wants to spend time with him, and might actually like him.

UNF. Go Lafayette! Get it, hooker.

Tommy asks Sam if he can spend the night with him for, “Ya know, brother time.” Sam agrees, as long as Tommy tells his parents. He says he will, but Sam knows he doesn’t want to tell them for some reason. Sam finally asks Tommy just what the hell is going on with all them, but he gets no answer.

In the mansion, Bill has been led up to his room while Cooter and the King talked downstairs. When Cooter comes in to Bill’s room, Bill is instantly ready to fight. Cooter tells him the King is tired of being lied to, and top of that, he knows something else. “This is sexy good news, Bill. You’re gonna love this.” (I have decided to add “sexy good news” to my vocabulary, and I suggest you do the same).

Cooter takes great delight in telling Bill that Sookie “is fucking a werewolf! Right here in Jackson! Suck that dick!” Bill instantly freaks out and attacks him, beating him to pulp and again bringing back the line he says in nearly every episode at some point, “Where is Sookeh?”

The vampire guard outside the door hears the comotion of an ass whooppin’ happening inside and bursts in to find Cooter almost pulverized. He runs in to help him, and Bill grabs the guard and holds his face against the metal doors, turning the vampire’s face into sticky mush. Gross.

Jason is about to get in his car to leave Merlotte’s when he sees Crystal walking around the parking lot. She tells him she tried to go in, but couldn’t make herself do it. She shouldn’t be there, and she just can’t be with Jason and can’ t tell him why. Jason asks her to take a walk with him, then cut to them making out in a romantic secluded spot.

In between kissing, Crystal tells Jason that “There is no forever for us. It’s only now.” Normally, you think Jason would be ok with this, because he usually goes through women like Kleenex. But inexplicably, he’s bummed out.

We finally see Eric again (who should always wear light blue, tight shirts, don’y you think?)

as he comes upon the King rushing out of the mansion on another mysterious errand. Eric offers his help, but the King tells him to just hang out with Talbot instead until he gets back. When Eric reminds the King about Pam, the King becomes a little cross and says, “All in good time, Eric.”

Lorena walks downstairs and sees Eric, saying, “You.” She and Eric have a bit of a stare down (weird?) until Talbot breezes in and takes Eric away. “Boys only.”

Sam and Tommy are at Sam’s house, and “brother time” apparently means Animal Planet and beer. They hear a commotion outside, and then a pounding on the door. Sam goes to open it, and Tommy begs him not to. When Sam does, Joe Lee bursts in, fighting Sam to get to Tommy. He’s screaming that he owns him “head to tail”, and Sam manages to fight him away and get him back out the door.

Joe Lee calms down a bit and explains his behavior away by saying he’s drunk before he slinks away. Panting, Sam turns to Tommy and asks what we are all thinking by this point, “What the fuck was that?”

Tara, still in her old timey nightgown is sitting at the elaborate dining table in the King’s mansion, crying over a plate with a giant flower on it. Franklin comes in and is alarmed by her tears. Tara struggles to keep him calm, and still playing along, explains to him that she’s hungry, but she can’t eat a flower.

At first, I was a bit confused why she would be served a flower, but then on another TB discussion I was reading, someone explained that this is Talbot’s big F U to Tara. He’s serving her something a cow would eat because he wants to convey that he thinks of her (and Franklin too) as no more than an animal. This is why Franklin got so pissed.

He immediately shifts gears, telling Tara, “God, you are sexy.” Rolling with the change in his mood, Tara explains, “I’m into you. Like, really into you. But if we’re going to be together, you have to remember that I’m alive! I have needs, like food!” Talbot begs for her forgiveness and wants to take her some where special for dinner, like Shoney’s! (If you’ve ever been to a Shoney’s, you understand the look on Tara’s face here.)

Then he busts out with, “We’ll celebrate your last night as a human!”

“Will you be my vampire bride?”

Meanwhile, during Eric’s grand tour, Talbot is showing him the antiques he and Russell have collected over the centuries (like Japanese vampire erotica from the 16th century). Talbot tells Eric that Russell collects so many things because he takes what he wants as soon as he sees it, and he’s the same way about people. This is meant to be a warning to Eric personally, but it has new meaning after the next few minutes.

Before Talbot shuts the display case, Eric notices a crown. He picks it up to examine it, and Talbot dismisses it as a “random tribal crown”. Eric looks at it intently, and then the scene dissolves into flashback.

He remembers when the very crown he was holding belonged to his human father, a Viking King. We get to see how even human Eric was an insatiable horndog;

who refused to learn any responsiblity or how to be King. He dismisses his father’s concern with a “Tomorrow.”, then goes to get busy with a servant girl. Hot.

During his romantic interlude, he hears screams from his family. He rushes in to find his mother and little sibling dead, and his father being attacked by a wolf. One tries to attack him, and he stabs it dead. At that point, the wolf phases back into a dead human, and Eric notices the strange brand on his neck.

The wolf who attacked his father follows an order to “Bring me the crown” given by a cloaked figure standing outside in the snow. Eric runs to the door in time to see the figure walk away, talking the surviving wolf with him.

Eric holds his father while he dies, and his last words from his father name him King, and give him an eternal goal of vengeance.

Back is Mississippi, Sookie is asleep when she hears Alcide call her from the front room. She walks into the room to see…

BEEL! (I’m not going to lie, I almost cried!)

After she jumps into his arms, he tells her she needs to leave immediately, and that it’s too late to save him. Before he can explain why she has to go, Cooter and the guard Bill attacked earlier burst in. Before Bill and Alcide can do anything, The King walks and tells Cooter to grab Sookie. When he finally gets a hold of her, this happens:

The King  starts to laugh with joy as Cooter flies across the room, and then…

END SCENE!

I said it up top, but I’ll say it again. This was my favorite episode so far. The scenes with Jason were completely hilarious, I LOVE Lafayette when he has a crush, and Tara’s story line is about to get way more interesting, I think.

What was your favorite part? What do you think will happen next week?

All gifs from chapmangrl.livejournal.com, and all screen caps from Scifi.rawr-caps.net

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