I Wanna Do Bad Things With You: True Blood Recap: Season 3, Ep 4

Whitley | July 14, 2010 | No Comments

DAMN it was a long two week stretch there with no True Blood! I didn’t think I was going to make it. Thank the LAWD it finally came back!

Sorry this was not posted on Monday. I just finished one 5 week semester of math, and I just started another one today. Bear with me, guys!

So, the episode opens with Sookie tending the bar fight wounds on a SHIRTLESS ALCIDE. Let me repeat: SHIRTLESS ALCIDE!

UNF! Can I oil his chest for just like, 5 seconds? Please?

After his cray cray head-turning sex with Lorena:

Bill calls to break up with Sookeh, and DAMN, y’all. Edward Cullen’s breakup speech is practically an effing Hallmark Card compared to Bill’s. That was way harsh, Tai.

One thing I noticed during the break up? Sookie is an ugly crier:

And I love this. I’m tired of actresses crying prettily when something tragic happens. No one in real life looks hot crying.

After the horrible abrupt break-up call, Alcide, (who is still SHIRTLESS!), comes over to comfort Sookie.

Cry on his naked chest, Sookie. You deserve it, girl.

When the sexual tension in the room becomes too much, he says, “At least let me put on a shirt.”, and suddenly I’M the one crying my eyes out.

Sam chases his little brother turned burglar out of Merlottes, and happens on his parents sleeping in their van parked in his lot. Turns out that they got kicked out of the crappy place they were living before, and now have no where to go.

At Sookeh’s house, Tara is being glamoured by Franklin, and spills her guts on Bill and Sookeh. She tells him that Sookie is in Jackson looking for Bill, and Franklin makes her call her there to try to find out her exact location. When that fails, and Tara tries to get away, Franklin finally bites her.

In Bill’s room, Lorena is still not getting the hint. At this point, I actually feel a little sorry for her. She reminds of the person who just won’t let go after a break up, except to millionth power. I’m really tired of seeing her character get abused over and over, it’s pretty pathetic.

Cut to a building somewhere. Eric is floating  sexily outside Sookeh’s hotel room window. She lets him in, and this happens:

But then it was just a dream. Fuck. I was more than a little disapointed that this wasn’t real. Seems like Eric was too.

I’m not going to lie. Now that Bill has removed himself from the picture, I really wanted Eric and Sookeh to hook up here. That needs to happen ASAP!

Back in Mississippi, Sookeh decides she is still going to search for Bill, just in case he was being forced to say those things to her and he needs help. Alcide does not agree, but reluctantly decides to help her out, especially since this will involve him seeing his ex, Debbie Pelt.

Cut to Lafayette in his brand new ride. He calls up Tara…

(Download the “ring, ring hooker” mp3 here! I already have it as my text tone!)

…to tell her about his new car, but she doesn’t pick up.

We then see that Franklin has kidnapped Tara from Sookie’s house and she’s now alone in dingy hotel bathroom, duct taped to the toilet.

Alcide’s sister Janice comes over to get Sookie’s disguise ready so she can scope out the were bar, Lou Pine’s again. I am immediately jealous of Janis’s glamorous beauty.

Take it from someone who knows: In parts of Louisiana, looking like an 80′s video girl is the height of fashion.

When Sookeh listens to Janice’s mind, she finds out that Debbie is actually getting initiated into the crazy werewolf gang that her new fiancée Cooter (who will remember as one of the wolves assigned to kidnap Bill) is a part of.

At Merlotte’s, Jason has a hilarious run in with the high school quaterback when his loyd drinking interrupted Bud’s retirement party.

“Yeah, well 10 years from now, there’s gonna be a version  of you, 10 years younger, doing the same thing to you. Then who you gonna be?

“…What?”

“Yeah. That’s what I thought.”

Back in Mississippi, Alcide is impressed by Sookeh’s disguise.

They head to the bar.

Meanwhile, Bill and the King discuss strategy against Queen Sophie. Bill tells the king that he will help him, as long as Lorena is disposed of. The King agrees (sort of?), so Bill then spills the beans about Eric selling V for Queen Sophie so she can stay rich. The King decided to pass along that info to the Magistrate, if you remember was sniffing around Fangtasia in the first episode.

Franklin comes back to the hotel room where he left Tara, and hey look at that! He brought her some flowers! How sweet! It was super romantic when he duct taped them to her hands (/sarcasm).

What a creepster.

Sam brings on Jessica on as hostess at Merlotte’s to try to help Arlene with the work load, where she happens to look adorable in the uniform.

Arlene throws a fit. “People love giving redhead’s tips! And I’ve always been the only redhead at Merlotte’s, SA-YUM!”

Jessica runs into an old church buddy who is super excited about bringing her home to her parents. He praises Jesus and everything.

Lafayette tries to sell some V to the meth dealers that Jason helped bring down earlier. They decide not  to do any business dealings with him, and things turn sour pretty quick.

On his way into Merlotte’s, Hoyt sees Jessica glamouring her former friend behind the bar. But from far away, this looks like a pretty cozy conversation, and he’s pissed. I haz a sad, because I NEED them to get back together!

Like I was hoping, Eric swoops in and saves Lafayette from the methheads.

Eric defintely brings the lols here. “I’ll kill all your brother-cousins”, and “Let’s go Ru Paul.” are instant classics.

Tara and Franklin are taking a drive, and he tells her they are headed to Mississippi. And yep, he’s still insane.

On his way home after work, Sam sees a naked Tommy asleep on the ground. He brings him his clothes, and they have a deep convo about their fucked up parents. Tommy expains to Sam that he could never leave them, no matter what, because they need him so they can survive.

In Lafayette’s hot new ride, Eric gets a phone call from Pam telling him that the Magistrate is raiding Fangtasia, and he’s found the V.

After she hangs up, Eric flies out the car window while Lafayette is talking. Don’t you wish you had the power to get away from people that fast?

In the men’s room at Merlotte’s, Jason basically blackmails Andy into making him a cop, now that he’s Sheriff. I’m thinking that this is going to blow up in his face soon. Poor Jason never has success with anything!

After his talk with Tommy, Sam tells his parents he will give them a place to stay as long as they dont drink or steal anymore, and they agree. I think this is gonna end badly too.

Franklin and Tara finally arrive, and it turns out they are at the King’s mansion!

Talbot isn’t happy with Tara, who he thinks is Franklin’s gift to him.

“Is this for me? It’s skinny.”

At Lou Pine’s, Sookie and Alcide make it inside. She does some shots (“FUCK yeah!”):

with the guy who tried to assult her last time when she’s confronted by Debbie, Alcide’s ex-fiancée.

That’s her with the Tiffany bangs. See what I mean about 80′s chic?

Bill, Lorena and The King stop at a strip club. They make reference to Bill’s past as a “procurer” (read: pimp), and begin discussing “dinner”.

Eric makes it to Fangtasia in time to see Pamm being tortured. I can’t stand to see my Pam like this! She’s normally so fierce!

The Magistrate already knows Queen Sophie is involved, and wonders if Eric will tell on her, which is basically treason. During her torture, Pam shouts out that Bill Compton is the vampire behind the selling of the V. The Magistrate gives Eric two days to find Bill, or he will kill Pam.

At Lou Pine’s, Debbie decides to torture Alcide by letting him stay to watch her initiation ceremony into the wolf pack. And what an insane initiation it is.

While Lorena and the King are waiting for Bill to get back, he explains that he has “an errand”, and let’s her know she can start dinner without him.

In the club, Bill runs into a stripper named “Destiny” who looks disturbingly like Miley Cyrus:

…who then gives him a lap dance.

Back in the noisy were bar, the King shows up as the leader of Debbie’s induction ceremony (looking like an extra in The Matrix too)!

The King speaks to them in German, and gives them all some of his blood. It turns out, he’s the supplier of V to this entire gang. (!) So what does he want with Sophie Ann? How is he going to use Bill?

While Bill is getting a lap dance from the Miley lookalike, he “glamours” her into telling him her real name (Ann), and while she’s hypnotized, he finds out she really quite miserable in her life.

Back on stage at Lou Pine’s, Debbie is getting branded with the weird Nazi brand all others in the gang have.

Cooter gets on stage with her, and y’all, I swear to the Lord I thought I was about to see some wolf-on-girl-sex on my TV. I have never in my life been more glad to be wrong, true fax.

All the wolves in the bar start to howl, and then they start to shift. Alcide manages to scream (more like bark) at Sookeh to leave before he phases himself.

Bill leads the stripper out to the limo where the King and Lorena are waiting. Poor Ann just thinks they’re about to have an orgy or something, but Lorena and the King begin to feed on her. They ask Bill to join them, and he DOES.

I suppose he’s done being the good guy. What do you think?

And that’s it for this week! All the gifs came from Chapmangrll.livejournal.com, and all screen caps are from Sci Fi.Rawr.

So what do you think will happen next week? Tara and Bill will run into each other? Did Sookeh make it out in time? What’s up with Arlene’s baby?

I can’t wait for next week!

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