I Wanna Do Bad Things With You: True Blood Recap: Season 3, Ep 3

Whitley | June 28, 2010 | 1 Comment

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I didn’t get back from Louisiana (sadly, I didn’t run into any vampires this time around) until late last night, and I managed to watch this episode before I collapsed from exhaustion.

You guys. The end of this episode. I read an article saying there was going to be a really crazy sex scene this episode that was would blow everyone’s mind but seriously. The fuck was that, Alan Ball? I know you like to freak us out, but DAMN.

As always, there are gifs here and I have a gif of the ending. The ending has been described in many places as “disturbing”, and I would definitely have to agree. BE WARNED.

Like always, don’t read this post if you’re at work, around small kids, or you don’t like seeing sex in gifs.

The episode opens with Sookeh firing a bullet at the wolf in her house. It was kinda Matrix-y.

Eric jumps in front of the were and takes the bullet. The wolfman phases back into human and goes cray cray for the V spilling out of Eric’s chest. He refuses to tell Bill who sent him, but Sookeh hears in his mind something about “Jackson”. Eric kills him.

“Got your rug all wet. Heh.”

As I figured, when Bill went all “DIAF, bitch” on Lorena, it didn’t kill her or even injure her. It really only inconvenienced her for awhile as she waited to heal. Talbot was pissy because his ancient tapestry was used when Lorena had to stop, drop and roll.

Bill doesn’t really get in trouble, and the King tells him that he needs to learn to get along with her since they will all be “working together”. When Bill tells the King that Lorena is a crazy bitch, the King agrees, telling him that she is still very jealous of Bill’s feelings towards Sookie. So jealous in fact, that she wanted to make Bill watch while she killed her. CRAY CRAY, right ? The King suggests turning Sookie if Bill really loves her in order to protect her and he’ll also get to stay with her forever. (sound familiar?),

Back in Bon Temp, Eric and Sookeh are out in the graveyard digging into a fresh grave. Eric explains that a  newly dug grave is a great place to hide a body since the ground is already disturbed, and no one will ever think to check there. Thanks for the PSA, Eric!

On top of being informative, Eric also happens to look pretty sexy covered in blood and digging. Sookie notices too.

When she tells him she heard the word “Jackson” in the wolf’s thoughts, Eric tells her that’s where he’d lived, in Jackson, Mississippi. Of course, Sookeh thinks it’s appropriate to just go roaring in and stirring things up around dangerous creatures without trusting Eric, who happens to be a dangerous mythical creature himself! It’s not that smart!

In the room of some no-tell motel, Tara and Franklin (the new vampire who helped her kick some redneck booty in last week’s episode) are having some kind of crazy sex that involves no regular movement (like, um…thrusting). There basically just lay there and breathe weird. Plus, Tara’s eye movements made me uncomfortable in this scene for some reason.

Sam busts in the front door of his new parents house to find his little brother (who almost caused his to be squishered on the road in last week’s episode) just casually sitting on the couch like nothing happened, watching TV with their dad (who doesn’t seem to really own clothes, since all he wears are old nasty fart stained undies that used to be tighty-whites, but can now only be described as…yellow). Tommy brushes off the almost-roadkill incident, saying, “I thought since we was family, you could keep up.” After that enlightening convo, Sam tells his parents that he’s heading back to Bon Temp to get back to his life.

Meanwhile, Jason is now convinced that his callin’ in life is to be a police officer, since he did so awesome at the meth bust last episode. (Don’t you love how Jason is always finding new things to dedicate his life to? Never a dull moment with him!)

Finally, Tara and Franklin are done with their weird sexing. When they’re making conversation with each other (ya know, as you should when you have weird tantric sex with a vampire that you just met), the subject of Eggs comes up. Tara dresses quickly and walks home without telling him her name.

The phone rings at Fangtasia. Pam is…occupied with the same dancer that Eric was “occupied” with in the first episode. (You know you remember!)

It’s Jessica calling Pam to tell her that the body that may or may not have been in her basement is actually now totally gone. Pam asks, “Did you call the hypothetical hardware store and buy a theoretical chain saw?” When Jessica explains she wasn’t the one to move it, Pam tells her that her problem is still basically solved and gets back to her fun time with the Estonian dancer Yvetta.

At Merlotte’s, Sam tells Sookie about how he found his family and she tells him about Eggs getting killed in the parking lot. It’s been awhile, and they had to catch up, ya know. Sookie tells Sam that she’s taking more time off work (how does she still have her job?) to go to Jackson to look for Bill, and could he maybe, sorta look after Jessica for her too? When he accepts all this with no protests, you kinda get the feeling that Sam still has feelings for her.

Hoyt, in between helping Jason “study” for his police officer exam, asks him for advice on Jessica. (Side note: I love how he says her name: “Chess-iCUH”. I know for a fact his Louisiana accent ain’t half bad.) Jason tells him it’s time to move on to someone hotter, and Hoyt, because he’s a big sweetheart, says he  can’t find anyone else better (AWW!!!). Jason decides to screw that practice test (well, not literally, but no one would be surprised) because he knows he’s ready NOW. He’s a “ninja-level marksman”, y’all.

At the OB/GYN, Arlene is getting an ultrasound and babbles to the doctor that she and Terry haven’t been together that long,  but she thinks he’ll be cool with having a baby, right? The doctor tells her that she’s actually 2-3 months pregnant, which means that this is NOT Terry’s baby! I joked about this in my first episode recap, but I’m honestly genuinely surprised that it’s most likely not his.

IMPORTANT NOTE ABOUT THE TIMELINE: It feels like forever since Season One ended, but it’s actually only been a few weeks in the True Blood universe. I actually saw one blog stating that the entire second season of the show just spanned 2 weeks.

So…could this baby be…creepster serial killer Renee’s?!?! Or…someone she slept with during a Maryann caused orgy?!

You can tell Arlene is wondering the same thing.

The coroner of Bon Temp calls Tara at Merlotte’s to let her know that the funeral for Eggs is happening. When she arrives at the cemetery, she finds out that he has no family or friends there, only her. Sookie pops out and reveals she paid for Eggs’s funeral, and takes her chance to make up with Tara finally.

As they are having the funeral service in the cemetery, it flashes back to 1868, when Bill is coming back to his home after being changed by Lorena. As he lingers around on his front porch, his wife Caroline, thinking he’s an intruder, confronts him. She welcomes him back with open arms, but then tells him that their son Thomas died recently of the pox. As Bill turns his back to his wife so he can cry over their son, his bloody vampire tears leak out. He tried to prevent her from comforting him so she can’t see his face, but he can’t stop her. He unnecessarily freaks her the eff out by not being upfront with her about what he is, and instead says creepy things like, “I’m here to bury our son.” Plus, he looks like this:

When she understandably runs screaming away, Lorena catches her at the front door, making Bill watch his wife cry and cower away from him.

Bill wakes up from his nightmare, still in bed in Mississippi.

Jason is in a weird blurry room taking his police officer test when he looks down and realzies the entire thing is written in hyrogliphics. When he gets up to ask Bud Dearbone for another, he realizes he’s not wearing pants, resulting in him flashing his hot ass to the entire classroom.

When he looks at everyone laughing at him, they all have the same bullet hole in their heads that he was seeing before.

He wakes up from his nap he was taking in his truck at work with Lafayette calling his name. Embarrassed, Jason tries to brush it off saying, “I’ve just got a lot on my mind lately.” Lafayette then says my favorite line of the episode: “That must feel new.”

Suddenly, Hoyt begins hollering bloody murder from the ditch he was working in. Jason and Lafayette, along with the rest of the work crew rush over, and in the ditch with Hoyt is a headless, handless rotting corpse (what a lovely visual. The popcorn turned to mush in my mouth at this part).

At Sookeh’s house, she’s scrubbing her bloddy rug on the porch when she hears in her thoughts a werewolf come up behind her. She screams and tries to run, but he catches her just in the door and tells her Eric sent him to look after her. His name is Alcide (pronounced “Al-seed” not Al-side”, like people in Louisiana would really say it), and he is nothing less of sextacular. I’m not lying when I say I want him to rub his beard all over my body.

Back at Merlotte’s, Sam’s parents and his brother have shown up unexpectedly. Miraculously, his dad is wearing real clothes! Sam is happy, but wary since they had decided to hold off on seeing each other again. Before they run off with hurt feelings, he gets them to stay by offering to buy them lunch.

Bud and Andy have shown up to the body dump site, processing the scene. Andy has already decided a vampire has committed the crime, since the head is “torn clean off.” Without warning, Bud Dearbone has a meltdown and abruptly quits right then. He’s too old to be dealing with murders.

Alcide and Sookie are having tea in her dining room. Sexy Alcide explains that by looking after her, he’s paying back a favor to Eric, who Alcide’s dad owes money to. It turns out that Alcide’s ex girlfriend is “banging” the leader of the mean wolf pack that Sookie needs information from to find Eric. You get the impression that he may be helping Sookie out of some need for revenge.

In Mississippi, Bill is still having nightmares about his past life. When he flashes back this time, his wife is begging to be killed. Lorena encourages Bill to “glamour” her into forgetting that he ever came back, and then he buries his son. Lorena tells him again that “the only way to show love for a human is to stay away. Forever.” Bill startles awake, crying his bloody tears on the no doubt expensive sheets. Talbot will not be pleased.

Downstairs, the main leader of the werewolf pack (and Alcide’s girlfriend stealer) is in the parlor with the King, Talbot and Lorena. They are discussing the werewolf who was killed by Eric at Sookie’s house, and the King is PISSED.  Lorena figures out that it was probably Eric who got him, since she is aware that he also has a thing for Sookie. As soon as Bill walks in, he announces to the King that he is renouncing his loyalty to Louisiana and Queen Sophie Ann, and he accepts the King as his Majesty. Lorena gets pissed now that there will be no torturing of Sookie, which I suspect is why Bill made the big announcement.

Eric shows up to Lafayette’s house in brand new sexy car. Even though Lafayette still hasn’t moved all the V that Pam told him to, Eric has decided to reward him with the car he’s currently sitting in. When Lafayette tries to turn it down, Eric tempts him with talk of more extravagant riches, if he’ll just keep selling V.

Arlene tries to tell Terry while they’re at work that she’s pregnant, and like the rest of us, poor dumb Terry automatically believes it’s his. He immediately goes out of his mind with joy, leaving Arlene to freak out on the inside even more.

Sam gets into an altercation with his family over, what else, alcohol when he catches them letting his little underage brother drink at Merlotte’s. They leave, and his mother seems to be the only one who gives a crap about him.

Franklin finally shows up to Jessica and Bill’s house to reveal that he was the one who took her little problem out of the basement and disposed of it for her. Of course, now he wants her help in return, mainly he wants all the information she has on Bill Compton.

Sam wakes up to an alarm he has beside his bed to alert of him of break in’s at Merlottte’s. He walks into his office to see a bird taking things out of his filing cabinets and gathering them in a trash bag. It flies away, leaving him with a mess to clean.

Sookeh and Al-seed go to the Lou Pine (nice play on words) bar in Mississippi, and he allows her to try to get some dirt on Bill her way. Unfortunately, this involves her playing the dumb blonde and nearly getting herself assaulted by one of the werewolves who was in the car with Bill when they took him. Alcide rushes in to save her and gets his ass kicked pretty bad before an old friend intervenes. He then finds out at the worst possible moment that his ex girlfriend is actually now engaged to Cooter, the leader of the bad werewolves.

Franklin shows up to Sookie’s house and finds Tara. He now knows her name since Jessica spilled her guts about everything under the sun. When she won’t let him inside the house, he “glamours” her steps right in.

OK GET READY FOR THE WEIRD SHIT:

Bill goes back up to his room, and Lorena follows him in closing the door behind her. She tells him that she knows he only pledged his loyalty to the King to save Sookie. They get into an intense fight over how she has basically ruined his entire life, as a vampire AND has a human.

Then, they start to…hate fuck. In fact, this scene pretty much redefined the “hate fuck” as we all know it.

For serious: The gif below can be pretty disturbing if you didn’t watch the episode, so look with caution.

Once Bill realizes what he’s done (or what she’s making him do; she may still have Maker power over him), he does this (like I was doing inside):

and then the credits roll!

Ok so can we all agree on the ending?

No more, Alan Ball. That was too weird, even for True Blood, and that’s really saying something!

Do we have TB bingo this week?

You may have noticed that we have to wait two weeks for a new episode. This is because they know American people would rather stuff their faces with hot dogs and watch fireworks than watch TV. So I’m sorry to all my fellow Trubies in all other countries! If it was up to me, it would air on a regular schedule!

Random cute gif for the week:

All show gifs came from Chapmangrl.livejournal.com, and I couldn’t do these post without the gifs, so thanks! All screen caps came from Sci Fi Rawr-Caps.

So what did you think of this weeks episode? Did the ending totally scar you for life, or did you love it? Let me know in the comments!

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