I Wanna Do Bad Things With You: True Blood Recap: Season 3, Ep 1

Whitley | June 14, 2010 | 7 Comments

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Note: There will be SPOILERS galore here, so if you haven’t watched this week’s episode yet, or you haven’t even started on the series yet, and you don’t want to be spoiled, DON’T READ AHEAD! If you don’t know anything about this, you will be totes confused.

This post is rated R, NSFW, Not Safe For Children, all of those good things. There are gifs and caps below with nudity and blood, so proceed accordingly.

(If you haven’t seen the series yet, get yourself to iTunes or Amazon and catch up, stat! Also, if you order HBO, some cable providers will provide all the past episodes from season one and two on demand, so you can hole yourself in your living room/bedroom and have the most awesome TV marathon ever. If you don’t want to do any of that, then there’s always…here. Use at your own computer’s risk.)

Alright, guys. Let’s press pause on the insane amount of Eclipse movie promo that’s happening on your TV and computer right now (keep up with all that stuff here!), and shift your focus on to something else. You know, the OTHER reason you were dying for June to get here.

Cue the music:

That’s right. It’s finally freaking time again. It’s True Blood time.

That’s what I did last night when it finally started. I hurt my back.

IN THE LAST EPISODE: When we left off last season, Bill had just proposed to Sookie at the fancy French restaurant. After he asked, she got flustered (“Oh Beel!”) and excused herself to the bathroom to cry. Bill was hastily kidnapped before she got back. Sam was on a quest to find his real family, the Michens. Jason shot and killed Tara’s boyfriend Eggs in the head, thinking that he was defending Detective Andy Bellefluer from a crazed killer. Andy takes the heat for the shooting. Meanwhile, Jessica had a fight with Hoyt (because she tried to drink his mom. Awkward.), and in her anger, seduced and drained a random trucker. Andy goes home with his mother, and she finally tells him the truth about how his father died. Eric is working with vampire Queen Sophie to sell V. Who else would be involved in this, but everyone’s favorite hookah, Lafayette? Maryann is dead and gone, the townspeople are no longer zombies, and no one except Sookie, Bill, Sam, Jason and Andy Bellefluer have any memory of the grand orgy/wedding she made them all participate in.

IN THIS EPISODE: The episode opens with Tara crying over Egg’s body, still laying in the parking lot of Merlotte’s while Lafayette tries to drag her away so the police can process the scene.

Andy is extremely nervous about the lie he’s about to tell to help Jason, which his well-meaning (but still weird) cousin Terry, who served in Iraq, confuses as anxiety over shooting someone.

We FINALLY see that Bill has been kidnapped by a group of older men who refuse to tell him who they are. They hold him hostage in the backseat of a moving car while cutting him and sucking the V right out, straight from the source.

“That’s gay.” “And playing with your own tit in a car full of men ain’t?”

Sookie knows that something is horribly wrong when she can’t find Bill, but cannot get the police to take her seriously. She heads over to his house to talk to Jessica, who is now trying to figure out what to do with the trucker she drank from who is now slowly dying. She gives the corpse some of her blood, thinking this will turn him into a vampire and save his life.

Andy has a talk with Jason about keeping their stories straight about Eggs to Sherriff Bud Dearborne. Andy explains that they both need to act natural, act like everything is normal, which for Jason means, “Conscience off, dick ON.” This was one of the most hilarious parts of the episode.

After finding no information from Jessica, Sookie goes to Fangtasia to confront Eric about the fact that Bill is missing. In one of the best moments on TV ever, she walks in on Eric…uh, getting to know, a new dancer for the club.

There is gratuitous male nudity of the butt,

and Eric explains that even though he doesn’t know anything about who took Bill, as Sheriff, it’s his job to find him, “even if I want what is his.”

“Fine. Do it.”

While his abductors are high off their asses on V, Bill is able to take control over the car and crashes it. He crawls out, completely weak and covered in his own blood, not knowing where he is. He calls for Jessica as her maker, causing her to feel his distress all the way back in Bon Temps and wake up from her spot under the house, where she’s also keeping the dead body. She immediately gets distracted by her problem instead, and totally ignores Bill.

Sookie goes to Lafayette’s, where she finds out about Eggs for the first time. When she finds out that Eggs was shot while trying to attack Andy Bellefluer in a fit of grief over what he had done while Maryann was controlling him, she tells Tara that she was the one who showed him the memories. Tara doesn’t take it well.

Eric calls someone on the phone to chew some ass about the fact that Bill is missing. He wanted to get his hands on Bill because Bill was the only person who knew that Eric was dealing in V, even though Bill didn’t yet know the Queen was in on it too. While Eric is reaming this unknown guy on the phone, we find out that Eric HAD actually sent someone to get Bill, but Bill had already been taken by the time Eric’s people got there. Pam is freaked out, and tells Eric he needs to explain this to the queen.

Sam is in an Arkansas hotel room when a very shirtless, very sexy Bill knocks on the door. Bill says that he needs help and when Sam asks him in, the sexual tension slowly begins to climb. Bill invites Sam to shower with him, saying, “I hear the water in Arkansas is very… hard.” (Since this is pretty much the most-talked about scene in the whole episode, gifs and caps of this are everywhere. See it screen caped  HERE)

Right before they kiss, Sam wakes up from his dream (very relived) to answer a phone call from the Magnolia Chamber of Commerce, where the person on the other end supplies him with more info about his real family. He finds out that the family’s son, Tommy Michens, works at a mechanic shop nearby.

Meanwhile, at work, Hoyt is pissed about the fact that his mother had lied to him about how his father really died. He and Jason have a very deep (well, deep for Jason) conversation about “truth” and what it means. Because Hoyt has moved out of his mother’s home, he’s been sleeping in his car. He invites himself to stay at Jason’s.

Tara’s pathetic drunk mother Lettie May shows up to Lafayette’s to comfort her. Before he leaves for work at Merlotte’s, Lafayette explains that she needs to really pull it together as a mother this time, because Tara can’t be left alone.

Sookie goes to Sheriff Bud Dearborne again looking for help, but this time to find Bill’s maker, Lorena. Sheriff Dearborne doesn’t want to help since Bill is “not actually a person”. Sookie leaves in frustration again, but not without telling him off first.

Sam pulls up to the mechanic shop and sees a kid working outside with a name tag that says, Tommy. Tommy tells Sam that he’s actually Tommy Harmon, and Tommy Michens quit months ago. A little discouraged, Sam leaves.

Lettie May brings over the Reverend of her church to talk to Tara, having no clue that it’s not working. Tara pretends, but only so she can fool her mother into thinking she’s fine to be by herself.

Bill digs himself out of the hole he buried himself in so could recharge a little after the accident and starts walking again.

Jessica wakes up under the house to hear the phone ringing. Her blood didn’t work on the corpse; he’s still dead, and starting to stink. Hoyt is calling from Merlotte’s to tell her misses her, and after telling him she misses him too, Jessica hangs up on him to try to concentrate on what to do with the body.

The Queen and the Magistrate arrive at Fangtasia to speak with Eric. The Magistrate explains to the Queen and Eric that his parish is the one that with the highest levels of V use. He’s figured out that a vampire is behind it, and he wants to know how many vampires have gone missing. The Queen and Eric lie to him, telling him that they hadn’t noticed a problem at all.

While waiting tables at Merlotte’s, Arlene realizes she is pregnant. I’m assuming that it’s crazy ass Terry’s baby, but this is True Blood, so you never know.

Still at Merlotte’s, Jason meets two college girls who are traveling cross country. While Andy Bellefluer looks on approvingly, Jason takes both the girls’ home and Hoyt goes along grudgingly, still thinking about how much he misses Jessica. When Hoyt explains to Jason that he’s not really up for it, Jason tells him, in one of the more memorable lines of the entire episode, “If you’re gonna be roommates with me, there’s a certain amount of pussy overflow you’re just gonna have to deal with!”

Back at Fangtasia, the Magistrate tells Eric and the Queen that the vampire responsible for selling the V will be punished severely. After he leaves, Eric tells her that he doesn’t think the Magistrate believed them when they said they didn’t know anything about it. In order to cover their tracks and provide the queen with the money she needs from the IRS, she commands Eric to sell all the V by the next day.

He finally confesses that Bill is missing, and she tells him not to worry about him.

Pam goes to Sookie’s house to drop off the money Eric owed her for helping him find Godric. While there, Pam gets a “call” from Eric:

(her maker) which makes Sookie wonder if Bill has tried to call Jessica.

On her way back to Fangtasia, Pam drops by Merlotte’s to tell Lafayette he needs to move all the V. It’s urgent. And Pam will have you know that she’s not a hooker. “That was a long long time ago.”

Sookie goes to see Jessica again, and they figure out that Eric actually had been trying to call her. Jessica recognizes that Bill sent her info about where he was, and Jessica and Sookie take off in her car to find the place Bill sent in his “call”.

Still weak and lost, Bill stumbles up to a nearby house. An old lady answers the door and invites him in for food. As she hobbles into the kitchen to find him some food, and he stalks stealthily behind her, you know what’s coming.

While her mother tells the Reverend goodbye, Tara says she’s going to take a shower. As soon as she’s alone in Lafayette’s bathroom, she opens his medicine cabinet and swallows every pill inside.

Sam drives to the address he found for the Michens and as he’s about to walk up the driveway, Tommy, the same Tommy from the mechanic shop, pulls into the driveway and goes inside. Taking a quick glance at the contents of the mailbox proves that he has found the right place.

At Jason’s house,while trying to have sex with one of the college girls, then both of them (yes, both of them)

he just can’t close the deal. When he tells the girls he just can’t stop picturing them like this:

, they leave.

After Bill drinks from the old woman and regains his strength, he “glamours” her into forgetting the memory of what he did, and gives her a few hundred bucks. As he talks to her, and discovers that he’s not in Louisiana at all, but Mississippi, the sounds of wolves howling outside in the distance become louder.

Lafayette tries to burst into the bathroom to save Tara, but can’t get the door open.

Sookie and Jessica find the scene of the car crash and discover a weird mark on the neck one of the bodies. Using Jessica’s fancy phone somehow (I mean, what? Who has that info just right there? Was she issued that phone when she was turned?), they find out it means, “Operation Werewolf”.

Bill runs through the forest at vampire speed only to be confronted by a pack of wolves. He says, “I must warn you. I’ve fed.”

CREDITS ROLL!

Honestly, this was everything I was hoping for. This episode proves that they really have been listening to the fans. I mean, naked butts, awesome lines, and SLASH?! They definitely knew people would go crazy.

Next week, I hope to see Tara stop being so emo, Arlene stop being so racist (what was up with that? I like her. Don’t make me stop liking her, Alan Ball!), and HOYT AND JESSICA GET BACK TOGETHER!

This weeks poll is: Who has the cuter butt?

Eric?:

or Jason?:

Leave your vote in the comments and I will announce the winner next week! And uh, if you need a little help in making a decision, go here and here to right click and see each photo super sized.

All screencaps used in this post came from SciFi/TV Caps and her herete. All the gifs were found in this ONTD post!

For more True Blood goodness, check out Fuck Yeah True Blood and Trueblood_tv!

Check back next Monday when I re-cap next weeks episode!

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